12 PARENTING TIPS

This Day's Thought from The Ranch

12 PARENTING TIPS FOR THE NEW YEAR

by Eric Elder
theranch.org

Eric Elder and Family - Christmas Eve 2013

Eric Elder and Family – Christmas Eve 2013.

I’d like to share 12 parenting tips with you for the New Year.  As a father of 6 kids, I’m always glad to hear what others are doing to parent their kids.  So when some friends of my college-age kids asked me what advice I would give them for raising kids of their own in the future, I put together this list of some of the best pieces of wisdom I’ve gathered over the years that have worked well for me.  I thought you might like to read it, too.

Since there are 12 tips and there are 12 months in the year, you might want to save or print this message so you can focus on one tip each month.  They’re not in any particular order, so you can pick a tip for each month that seems most helpful to you at the time.

And even if you don’t have kids in your life right now, maybe you know someone who does who might be interested in reading these tips.  If so, please pass them along, as each tip includes a special word from God’s Word.  Even though I’m not a perfect father, I know Someone who is and His wisdom can’t be beat!  With that disclaimer out of the way, here are my “12 Parenting Tips for the New Year.”

1) Recognize that children are gifts from the Lord.  

Your attitude towards your children may be the single-most important factor in your parenting toolbox.  The Bible says that children are blessings, not burdens:  “Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them” (Psalm 127:5a).

You can check your attitude by asking what your heart feels when you hear of someone who already has 2 or 3 children and they tell you they’re expecting a 3rd or 4th.  Or 5th.  Or 6th.  Or 7th, etc.  If your heart sinks with the addition of each child, you may secretly be viewing children as burdens, not blessings.  If the same person had told you God had given them a 3rd or 4th car (or 5th or 6th or 7th, etc.), or a 3rd or 4th house (or 5th or 6th or 7th, etc.) and your attitude is like “Wow! That’s incredible!” then you may want to rethink your attitude.

Children do take time and energy and attention, just as cars and houses do, and more children take more time and energy and attention, just as more cars and houses do (just ask anyone who has one or more of any of these!)  With great gifts comes great responsibility.  But children, like any gifts from the Lord, are still gifts to be treasured, valued and held in the highest regard.  Check your attitude, and remember that children really are gifts from the Lord.

2) Love your spouse.  

This tip may not seem like it has anything to do with parenting, but it’s actually one of the best tips on this list!  I have a plaque from my dad that says:  “The most important thing a father can do for their children is to love their mother.”  My dad reminded me of this one day when I was feeling particularly inadequate about my parenting.  He said, “You have no idea what you’re doing for your children just by loving Lana.”  Looking back over the years, I’m sure he was right.

A genuine love between parents can do more for children than we can imagine.  The Bible says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her… and the wife should respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:25 and 33b).  Parents at odds cause children to take sides and respect only one or the other (or neither) and they can play off of that to try to get what they want.  If you want your children to treat others with love and respect, treat your husband or wife with love and respect (even if they don’t do the same for you).  Your children will be blessed as a result.

3) Realize that children take time.

Children do take time, but they don’t take time away from life.  Children take time that enhances life.  Trips to the zoo, trips to the beach, sitting down and playing games, setting limits on your workdays and Sundays and weekends so you can be with them, all take time away from other things you could be doing.  But the return on your investment is so much greater, both in the moment and over time.

For Lana, when she decided to stay home from work so she could homeschool our kids and spend more time with them, it was costly on many levels: financially, personally and professionally.  But she never felt like she was wasting her life by doing this, but investing her life.  When she died, too young at 48, she was thankful she had spent her time the way she did, with no regrets.  Quality time is sometimes only possible because quantity time makes it so.

4) Let everyone work together to make the household work.  

One of the blessings for me of having a larger family has been to see how all the kids can work together to help keep our household running.  Doing everything for our kids was never an option because we simply couldn’t do it all.  Responsibilities were given to each child as soon as they were able, from cooking and cleaning to dishes and laundry, from building and bookkeeping to yardwork and petkeeping.

The Bible says, “If you don’t work, you don’t eat” (2 Thessalonians 3:10, MSG).  We never taught this in a mean-spirited way, but as a matter of getting things done more efficiently (or getting things done at all!) whether it was getting food to the table or chores finished on Saturday.  For us, giving kids responsibility was both practical (for keeping our house running) and good training for their future.

5) Discipline in love, not in anger.  

Discipline is simply more effective when it is separated from anger.  The Bible says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right…” (Ephesians 6:1) but that is quickly followed by these words: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

I’ve found it best not to explode at my children, not because I don’t want to, but because it’s not useful.  They can’t hear you–or your love for them–when you’re screaming.  The times I most regret in my parenting are the times when I’ve disciplined in anger.  But I’ve never regretted disciplining in love because that has set the stage for their future success in life.  A simple tip:  count to 10 before disciplining children.  For teenagers, wait a week!  (I’m serious!)

6) Pray for God to reveal the truth, even if it’s painful to hear.

A pastor’s kid once said that it wasn’t fair that his dad was a pastor, because God always seemed to tell his parents whenever he was doing something wrong.  We really can pray that God will show us what’s going on in our kids’ lives, even when we can’t see it ourselves.  The Bible says, “He [God] gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with Him” (Daniel 2:21b-22).

There have been times when I have prayed that God would show me if there’s anything I should know about my kids so I can help them stay on the right path, even if it’s something I didn’t want to hear.  I’ve been surprised when, soon after a prayer like this, God has revealed something to me–whether in a dream or a phone bill or an unexpected email–that was painful to hear but has opened the door to a conversation where I can help walk my kids through a difficult situation.

7) Love doesn’t always say “Yes.”

A good parent wants to bless and please their children.  But some parents say “Yes” to their kids’ pleas solely to win their love and friendship, not because it’s good or best for them.  There are times when your kids need a best friend and there are times when you can be one for them.  But there are other times when they need you to be a parent, and only you can do that for them.

Some parents say “Yes” to all things in order to win their children’s friendship.  But a well-timed or well-reasoned “No” can be just as loving. The Bible says, “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11), which means that certain words we say are beautiful and perfectly fit for the occasion.  While this applies to words of any type, it can especially apply to your yes’s and your no’s.

8) Keep your words uplifting and encouraging.

As parents, our words have an extra weight of authority.  As such, we have to be extra careful with what we say, especially when it comes to criticism.  Some people may say, “They have a face only a mother could love.”  But what if it’s the mother who says, “You’re ugly!” or “You can’t sing!” or “You’re no good at ______ or _______ or ________!”

A good rule of thumb is to give at least 10 positive affirmations for every 1 correction, and then only if it’s necessary for their benefit (for instance, to save them from embarrassment in public).  Watch your words, especially your words of criticism.  The Bible says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).

9) Pray for them starting even before they’re born, both privately and out loud.  

We’ve prayed for each of our children from the moment we knew they were in Lana’s womb.  We’ve prayed for their lives, their health, their faith, their futures, their callings, their spouses, their children and grandchildren and great grandchildren and so on!  We’ve done this privately in our own quiet times, as well as out loud at nighttime as we tuck them into bed and kiss them good night.

I still do this even for my college-age kids when they’re home, putting my hand on their heads and praying for them before they go to bed (or before I go to bed, which is more often the case these days!)  It may seem awkward, but I believe in the power of prayer, plus I think it’s important that our kids know that we’re praying for them, as a matter of love and care.  As the Bible says: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

10) When they sin, love ’em more.  

Sometimes our kids do things that make us frustrated and make us want to pull back from them.  But I’ve found that’s the time I need to “love ‘em more.”  Someone once asked the famous evangelist Billy Graham what he would do if he found out one of his children had sinned.  He said, “Why, I’d love that one even more.”  It’s not that Rev. Graham would love them more because of their sin, but because he knew that love is the best antidote to sin.

Our kids need love and acceptance, just like we do, and that’s why they sometimes seek it out in the wrong places, just like we do.  It’s at times like these that they need to see our love and forgiveness for them more than ever, just as Jesus did for us when He died on the cross.  As the Bible says, “God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).  When your kids hurt you or mistreat you or disappoint you, don’t pull back.  Do what Jesus did and “love ’em more.”

11) Take breaks for rainbows.  

A life with kids is filled with interruptions.  But don’t take the interruptions as sidelines from life, but as one of the best parts of life itself.  We have a painting in our home that says, “The work will wait while you show the children the rainbow, but the rainbow won’t wait while you finish the work.”  Take advantage of those fleeting moments to enjoy your life with your children.

It’s OK to stop and smell the roses.  The Bible says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things” (Philippians 4:8).  When we moved to the country, Lana and I would take walks with our kids at sunset whenever we had the chance.  There were always plenty of other things to do, but none of them so memorable to me as those sunset walks.

12) Let kids be kids, but don’t let them be in danger.  

There’s a fine line between letting kids be kids and letting them be in danger, because a lot of the things kids do can be dangerous!  It’s one thing if they want to let their hair grow out, but quite another if they want to hang out with dangerous people.  It’s one thing to let them be adventurous, but quite another to let them do something that’s truly life threatening.

I’ve had to walk that fine line and have had multiple conversations with my kids about each of these things.  And God is the one who has reminded me multiple times to let my kids be kids, especially my teenagers.  But I’ve also had to step in and say, “I’m glad to let you be a teenager, but I won’t let you be in danger.”  That’s just wisdom, and knowing which is which often comes only from God, who is happy to let us know the difference.  If you’re not sure what to do in a situation, ask God who is glad to pour out His wisdom on you.  As the Bible says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

Thanks for reading these 12 tips, and thanks for passing them along to others who might benefit from reading them.  Again, you might want to save or print this message and reread it from time to time as your kids go through different stages of life, or choose one tip each month this year to focus on with your kids.

May the Lord bless you as you seek to bless the children in your life!

Sincerely,
Eric Elder

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God continues to work!

I have an update on some of the people God brought into my life, where I've gotten the chance to join Him in His work.

I'll start with the best news: The coworker's wife who was feeling anxiety, which I told my friend could be God drawing her to Himself - SHE GOT SAVED! Hallelujah! She continued to ask questions, and my friend continued to lovingly answer them while pointing to the power of Jesus in his life. Meanwhile, I just KNOW that our wives need to meet, and I set about trying to come up with a way to make it happen. Again, I am trying to do this in my own power, and failing. I ought to know better, because of course, God provided the way. My friend's wife is anxious. My wonderful wife, a licensed massage therapist, offers her a massage. She accepts. After a few weeks, they get it scheduled and she loves it. My wife simply showed her the love of Christ. She didn't evangelize verbally, didn't beat her over the head with a Bible. Just loved her and cared for her. Showed her what a real Christian is like.

Then my friend got the chance to ask his wife if she'd be willing to talk to a pastor about why she was anxious. She agreed to, and he contacted my pastor (she of course wondered how he knew this pastor, perhaps a little suspicious, but he answered truthfully that he'd met him through me). Two days after the visit from my wife, they meet at their house. After many questions and answers, my pastor asks whether she wants Jesus to enter her life, and she says she does! My friend questions her a little more to make sure she understands what she is doing, and she does. Right there, she repents and accepts Jesus as her Savior and Lord! I saw my friend two days later, and he was speechless, and glowing with joy!

After a few busy weekends, he makes it to my church and he is thrilled (along with all of the people at my church who have been praying for him and his wife for the last six months). He sends her the sermon from that week, along with the pastor's email about how our church had to come together for a last minute relocation. My friend thinks he isn't going to be able to go to church the following week due to some family logistics. The next thing he knows, his wife has changed things around and the two of them make it to church, and I finally got to meet her! Of course everyone at church is thrilled to meet her and turns on the hospitality. I hope she felt welcome and returns.

Our long-time fill-in guitar player has returned to church, but not playing guitar. Our new fill-in keeps coming back! It looks like he's staying. Also, the soundboard guy has accepted Jesus! We hope his family is next.

The lunch-time small group study at work is going strong. .We have three people in a conference room and one on the phone. Some weeks, we've had two on the phone. Everyone is participating and we are all learning a lot about our identity in Christ. And it turns out our colleague who moved away, is moving back to PA for a new assignment. He'll be about 90 minutes away, so we should be able to visit sometime.

I haven't heard from the friend who isn't a believer. Which reminds me that I need to get back to praying regularly for him. I have been remiss.

I think that brings this part of my story up to date. In the next post, I'll explain the last-minute relocation that I mentioned. What a story of victory in Christ that is!

Watching for Where God is at Work

Last night was the final session of "Experiencing God" by Henry and Richard Blackaby. I was blessed to participate in this with my wife, as well as our pastor and two brothers from our church. A foundational principle of the study is to watch for where God is at work, and then join Him there.

This study has equipped me in a way I never expected. I knew, in theory, that God is at work at all times. But I didn't know it. Now I have testimonies about it.

First, there is our church and its praise team. After a fire at our church's building that damaged the HVAC units, membership declined during a particularly harsh winter when we needed to use blankets and space heaters during our services. Compounding that, our pianist was in a bad car accident, injuring her arms, and our guitar player took a job in ministry at another church. We (the Praise Team) did the best we could, and fortunately the members that remained were very forgiving and have their priorities in order.

For at least two years, I tried to figure out how to get a guitarist or pianist. I came up with mediocre plans, wracking my brain trying to think of people I knew and how to get them into our church.

Second, there is a friend from work. He is a Christian, raised in a Christian home, but hadn't been living the life. God recently woke him up and drew him back to Himself. We call it his "spiritual awakening". And he happens to live somewhat close to our church. Whenever I meet people who need a church, they tend to live on the other side of town. Finally, I met someone who could go to our church, and do we need members! One catch, his wife doesn't know Christ. Coming to our (or any) church would cause unrest in his house. For months, I tried coming up with some way to "trick" her into meeting us and my pastor, sort of sneak Christ into her life without her noticing.

Third, I became friends with a consultant on assignment where I work and discovered he is a Christian. But due to work forcing him to move every six months or so, he doesn't have a church. He doesn't even have a car to get him to my church while he's here, and getting him a ride isn't really feasible.

And finally there is another person from work who was here for a year. He isn't a believer, and calls himself "spiritual but not religious". Over the course of the year, we became good friends and had many conversations, some of them about spiritual matters. I made it clear that I am a Christian, and he always listened.

Then we started our study of Experiencing God. Suddenly, I saw things differently. I needed to look for where God was at work, and join Him there, not try to come up with a scheme to get people into my church because we need members and musicians. For my two Christian brothers at work, I could see they were thirsty for God. As I learned more from our study and from weekly Sunday school, something always seemed to apply to what was going on in their lives. I started to see my role as providing fellowship and encouragement, what they would get if they could attend a church.

As the weeks went on, the one who lives locally talked about really wanting his wife to come to Jesus, but just unsure what he should do about it. I could tell him to watch for God working on her. And to love her. We are to love our wives like Christ loved the Church. Don't create turmoil at home. Love her, let God do the work.

Then he told me about some of the comments she was making, some of the questions she was asking.  I told my friend that Experiencing God said that her anxiety about this stuff could be a sign that God was at work. He should support her, and love her, but don't short-circuit what God could be doing. Watch, answer her questions, let her work through this. And always - love her.

This part of the story is not over yet. She has not accepted Christ yet, or even acknowledged that she might need Him, but she seems to be on that path. It is exciting!

I saw God at work in my friend, joined God there. God had me teach my friend to watch for where God was at work on his wife, and join God there. This is not my plan, not my actions. This is God. I'm just available to be used, and watching for where I can be privileged to join Him.

Consultant friend has returned home, and gone off to the next assignment. He tells me he misses our conversations. So do I. Is God at work here? Maybe we can find a way to continue the "guys who can't go to church" ministry somehow. We're going to try a small-group study with the other guy from work, and one other brother, and connect via Skype. Remote small-group studies! We start next week.

Away from work, our praise team had a real need. The guy who has been "filling in" on guitar for the last three years is on best rest for a few weeks. Oh my. Well, there just happens to be a friend from Boy Scouts who plays guitar and whose family really needs a church and Jesus. He's one of the people I've been trying to figure out how to get to play with us. I did not come up with anything. Our pastor just happens to mention to him that our guitarist is out of commission, and voila, he is filling in for him, and he brings his family! And they loved coming to our church! I tried and tried, and God just took care of it. And there is another fellow from Boy Scouts who is very close to accepting Jesus, who just happened to mention to the pastor that he can operate a sound board, on the day after I was lamenting to someone else that we really needed someone to operate the sound board!

These two gentlemen need to hear the Gospel, and God just gave them reasons unique to each of them to be in church! All I did was say yes, welcome them, and thank them profusely for helping us. God has met the needs of all of us.

Finally, there is the friend who is "spiritual but not religious". He learned suddenly that his assignment ended at the end of last year. We set up a last minute lunch before he's gone. During lunch, he is making comments that show that he is searching for God. He doesn't say it that way, but Experiencing God taught me to recognize it. But I don't have weeks or months to continue to work with him, he's leaving the next day. He's going to go home and hear all kinds of things. I need to act now to make sure that the truth of Christ is at least in the mix, at least is available. God leads me to offer my friend a tract, just so it gets into his suitcase. We don't go through it together, but end up talking for 45 minutes. He is asking all of the right questions, and God is giving me the answers.

And that was it. I may never know if he accepts Christ. But I do know he might. God used me to plant some seeds, and even to water them. I pray that they will grow and produce fruit. Regardless, I was blessed to be involved in God's work. He showed me where he was working, and allowed me to join Him there. I know my friend sees me as a blessing in his life, because he said so. I pray that he saw a glimpse of Christ through me, and that others will get the chance to water the seeds.

Four lives that God has touched, which He gave me the privilege of joining in. Now I am watching everywhere, and I know what to look for, which gives me the confidence to respond boldly. What a joy!